Question.....what would you do...

atwoodracing20

Dew Dawg
Hi all, a friend of mine came to work today, after his Monday off, and he was looking a little down and out. I asked him what was up, and he told me this. He has a brother that has diabetes, and his kidneys are failing. He is on dialysis, 35 yrs old, never took care of himself very well. But over the weekend his brother and father asked my friend if he would donate a kidney. Serous stuff..My friend is distraught over this, he has a 5 yr old son, and wife to think about. I don't know what to say to him, and don't know what my answer would be if asked the same question. For my son...no brainer..of course. What would some of you say...?
 
This question is stressing me out so I can't imagine what he must feel like. I don't know what I would answer but I do know that after pondering this nightmare for a bit I have decided I will never put anyone in the position he is in. I hope that everything works out for him.
 

Familyman

New member
Man that's a tough one! Tell your friend to find a quiet place to meditate and pray, if he can look deep inside to find the answer it will be the answer he can be comfortable with in the long run.
 

wheelz

New member
Hi all, a friend of mine came to work today, after his Monday off, and he was looking a little down and out. I asked him what was up, and he told me this. He has a brother that has diabetes, and his kidneys are failing. He is on dialysis, 35 yrs old, never took care of himself very well. But over the weekend his brother and father asked my friend if he would donate a kidney. Serous stuff..My friend is distraught over this, he has a 5 yr old son, and wife to think about. I don't know what to say to him, and don't know what my answer would be if asked the same question. For my son...no brainer..of course. What would some of you say...?


How would they know if he was a suitable donor? What do you mean when you say the recipient never took care of himself well?
 
Of course this is very serious and a tough spot to be put in. I would remind the guy that his wife / family is first priority and make his decision off of that basis . Have a long and honest talk with the wife and go from there , an uninterupted and honest talk . I have been blessed with 3 great brothers I would do anything for . But my decision would be based off the combined feeling of my immediate family . This is a tough one. Prayers for guidance from me .
 

Outrider

Member
OK, we're going to deal with some realities here - no intent to be harsh, but this request, because of its extremely serious nature, needs some pespective. Don't know if the friend's brother is on Hemo or PD for a dialysis regimen (the brother should look into Peritoneal Dialysis if he's going to a dialysis center 3 times a week; PD is done at home over night while he sleeps and is therefore much less tiring and life disrupting, plus it is relatively easy to take on the road). At any rate, he can continue on dialysis for the foreseeable future, so there is not anything immediately life threatening here as far as the kidney failure is concerned; if there was, the brother wouldn't be a candidate for a transplant, immediate or otherwise. Obviously, the brother has made the decision to have a transplant, which, when he gets it, will be a major lifestyle change ( for most people most of it for the better, but not all of it - he'll spend the rest of his life on several medications, some due to the transplant and the fact that it results in an essentially crippled immune system for the rest of his life). Since, as bad as dialysis is, he can continue on the transplant list until one becomes available, the pressure from the father and the brother to donate a kidney is, essentially, a (completely legal) way to short circuit the waiting period for the transplant (that period seems to run in the 18 month to 36 month time frame at present, though sometimes a few months less). And kidney transplants are about the oldest and most common of major organ transplants; there is a list of desirable conditions to be met for a kidney transplant, but it is amazing how few of them are manditory for a successful outcome with a kidney transplant. Only the original poster's friend knows the total medical situation and why this request is being made in the manner it is being made, but given the high percentage of success of this transplant and the (relative to other organs; we're not trying to minimize the seriousness of the situation here) relative ease of locating a suitable doner organ, there appears to be an element of emotional blackmail here, as the only thing this request will change is how soon the brother gets a doner kidney unless there is a really odd genetic situation here, which doesn't usually happen with kidney doners. Based only on the information we have been given, either the brother or the father need to be more forthcoming as to why this has to happen now with a relative's kidney as opposed to 12 to 36 months from now with a doner kidney from the "normal" circuit, or the potential donor brother has every right to feel a lot less guilty than the sick brother and the father seem to want him to feel. There is not a life and death situation here (based soley on what we have been told in this thread), it is a matter of the desires of the brother with kidney failure to take the quickest way up the transplant path. I'm sorry if this analysis seems harsh, but given only the facts OP has given us, and my unfortunate familiarty with kidney failure situations, this is an accurate description.
 

Outrider

Member
To add to my post above and Bonanza's well considered comment, I'll play the bad guy and address the 900lb gorilla sitting in the living room. If it so important that this happen almost immediately, as opposed to the normal kidney donor/transplant system, why isn't the father jumping at the chance to donate a kidney to his ailing son, rather than laying a humongus guilt trip on his other son? IMO, the healthy son is being placed in a really bad situation by two people that can use a most extreme level of emotional blackmail to achieve an end that will resolve itself favorably in good time without their intervention. That's what the transplant list is for.

And it works; two years ago my buddy Butch drove his beautifully restored '59 4 passenger TBird convertible off into the sunset, his wife by his side, after graduating from my wife's support group by getting a transplant - about 19 months on the list. The photo album of the TBird restoration is an object lesson in how to do a total restoration right while passing the time waiting for "the call".
 

Chipg56

Member
Personally, I would donate to one of my brothers or my sister without hesitation.
 

atwoodracing20

Dew Dawg
To add to my post above and Bonanza's well considered comment, I'll play the bad guy and address the 900lb gorilla sitting in the living room. If it so important that this happen almost immediately, as opposed to the normal kidney donor/transplant system, why isn't the father jumping at the chance to donate a kidney to his ailing son, rather than laying a humongus guilt trip on his other son? IMO, the healthy son is being placed in a really bad situation by two people that can use a most extreme level of emotional blackmail to achieve an end that will resolve itself favorably in good time without their intervention. That's what the transplant list is for.

And it works; two years ago my buddy Butch drove his beautifully restored '59 4 passenger TBird convertible off into the sunset, his wife by his side, after graduating from my wife's support group by getting a transplant - about 19 months on the list. The photo album of the TBird restoration is an object lesson in how to do a total restoration right while passing the time waiting for "the call".

Father is diabetic...and in his late 60's. I will ask him if his brother is on the transplant list. Thanks for your replies.
 
First thing would be to determine if he/I were a suitable donor, because it would be a real tragedy if a donated kidney were worse than the one replaced.
 

Familyman

New member
A thought I had, is the kidney problem a hereditary thing? It would really stink to donate one and then have your only one take a poop!
 

Outrider

Member
A thought I had, is the kidney problem a hereditary thing? It would really stink to donate one and then have your only one take a poop!
Generally there is not a direct hereditary element in kidney failure, although hereditary predisposition to conditions that can cause diabetes can be an indirect element. A general observation on cause, also reflected by atwoodracing20's latest post, is that diabetes seems to be the biggest single cause of kidney failure, but there are others - for one, lithium was given as both short term and long term medication for depression until a few years ago and required regular monitoring of kidney function while it was being taken, as it could cause kidney failure. And even with regular monitoring, failure could commence so suddenly that the regular monitoring didn't catch it in time.
 

atwoodracing20

Dew Dawg
A thought I had, is the kidney problem a hereditary thing? It would really stink to donate one and then have your only one take a poop!

Exactly what I was thinking, think it is a family thing with diabetes....he's the only one that does not have it....yet...
 

Bengert Racing

New member
Exactly what I was thinking, think it is a family thing with diabetes....he's the only one that does not have it....yet...


YET, is a hugh thing to take into consideration, on top of a brother who knew the possibilities and failed to take care of himself. That word speeks volums..

Hard fact.....The fellow has a wife and 5 yr. od son to consider. That is where his true and ultimate responsibility lies. What happens if he donates a kidney and then developes diabetes, making his situation much more critical than his brothers. Who'll support and comfort his wife and raise his son, if God forbid, something goes wrong during surgery? His brother, who failed to even take care of himself? At what point, and under what circumstances, do we become our brothers keeper?

"God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change... the Courage to change the things I can ... and the Wisdom to know the difference."

Thought and prayers for this man and his family.


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